Camerons Story…
Some don’t know but Kellar has a older brother, Cameron Reid. Cameron was born Aug 30, 2005 at 20 wks. Joey and I had tried for years to get pregnant, with the help of fertility drugs we were finally pg with our first child and excited is not even the correct word to describe it. I cried b/c it was finally going to happen, I was going to be a mom! Early on in my pregnancy I started spotting, Joey rushed me back to Shreveport to meet with the specialist I had been seeing, on ultrasound everything looked fine. I was in and out of the hospital with either spotting or hurting but never did I imagine things would end the way that they did. I remember hurting so bad when I would walk, I could not lift my leg to get in my jeep w/out hurting. One Sunday I woke up with this rolling feeling in my stomach, I called my mother and told her what was going on, the thought ran through my mind that they may be contractions, but no way was that what it was I was only a little over 19 wks. I got up and showered and every time I touched my stomach it would set off that feeling, I just didn’t feel good and all I really wanted to do was lay around. I dozed off and woke up to that same feeling, I got up and called Joey over at his uncles and told him I didn’t feel well, thinking maybe I needed to eat he went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to pick us up some lunch, before he got home I felt this bubbling feeling and ran to the bathroom fearing my water had broken..luckily it hadn’t. I called my dr and explained to the on call dr what I was experiencing and he suggested I go into the ER to be checked out. On my way to the ER I timed how often I was having that feeling, it was about every 4-5 minutes. I was 2 days away from being 20wks, anything under 20 wks they won’t admit you to L&D, I begged them to please not put me in the ER if something was wrong with my baby, I sat in the wheelchair sobbing as they were going to turn me away from L&D and send me back down to the ER, one of the nurses came over and tried to comfort me, I was terrified, I had no idea what was going on though in my heart I had a feeling what was happening. The nurse phoned my dr and asked about admitting me to L&D and he said to keep me there, hook me up to the monitors and see if I was contracting..and I was. I sobbed with each contraction, Joey made phone calls while the nurses scurried in and out of the room. I knew things were not going as they should, I laid there hoping and praying that they could get things under control. I was sent down for a ultrasound, I was relieved when I could see the baby and the heartbeat, we still had no idea what we were having. The tech rolled me back up to the L&D floor and my nurse walked up and said “so she’s fully ruptured”? I wanted to die, my head started spinning and I looked in the room and seen my mom sitting there and she asked me “chris what’s wrong” I started bawling and said my water broke. The room filled with nurses asking me to sign this and sign that, I was signing papers about delivering, but I didn’t want to deliver! I was not supposed to be having my baby, I still have 20 wks to go. The dr came in and the outlook and chance of me making it to 24 wks was slim, I was fully dilated and their was a foot protruding through my cervix, after finding that out I did remember feeling this fluttering feeling down there but again never did I ever dream this what was actually happening with me, all pregnancies are supposed to be smooth sailing right? I again asked my chances of laying there for 4 weeks just so my baby would have at least a chance of surviving, my dr said he couldn’t tell me I could not try, he would allow me to hold out as long as I was not endangering my health. I refused any sort of drugs, I made them put a catheter in me, I didn’t want to have to get up for anything, I didn’t want to have to *make* myself go to the bathroom b/c i didn’t want to do anything to put any type of pressure down there. I laid there hoping and praying for a miracle, visitors came every day and family never left my side. By Tuesday I was hurting and I was getting weak and everyone but me knew it wouldn’t be much longer. I was hurting to the point I had to have pain meds, my contractions were strong and in my heart I knew then that making it 4 more weeks was more than likely not going to happen. I remember with every contraction, the stronger they got the more this urge to push would come over me, I didn’t want to push, I couldn’t push. I fought it, the nurse came in and asked me how I was doing and gave me more pain meds. I was still hurting, my contractions were getting stronger and stronger and I couldn’t fight off the urge to push, in my head I was telling myself NO NO but I didn’t have any control over it. I felt the baby come out, I could feel my baby moving around and I knew I had failed. Someone went running for the nurse, she came in and pulled the covers back and told us we were the parents of a little boy. It was a boy! I sat there in shock and disbelief. She took him away and went to clean him up and brought him back into the room so we could hold him and spend some time with him. We named him Cameron Reid. He was beautiful! I counted his fingers and his toes, I ran my fingers across his face, I rubbed his eyebrows, I kissed his little ears, I watched him take breaths not knowing which one would be his last. He was perfect, just 20 wks to soon. Cameron lived for 1 1/2 hours. I sit here today and I remember it just like it was yesterday, I think of how my life changed that day, how something I loved so much came into my life and then was gone. I laid there in the hospital listening to the women around me delivering babies, I heard their cries throughout the night. I left the hospital with flowers and a broken heart while the other mothers left with a bundle full of joy. The ride home from the hospital seemed like it took days, I didn’t want to smile, I didn’t want to laugh all I wanted was the child that I had to leave behind at the hospital. I wanted my son, I wanted to hold him one last time, I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I was! The disbelief followed me home, I would catch myself rubbing my stomach and I would wake up in the morning praying for morning sickness, I wanted it so badly to be a nightmare that I had had and I would wake up and my baby would still be with me.I would sit in his room for hours and look at his pictures, I would go through his closet and look at all his clothes we had bought for him. Picking out his coffin was difficult, we pulled up to the funeral home and I got out of the car and I stood and just cried, I didn’t want to move, I didn’t want to do this because I didn’t want it to be real. Camerons service was beautiful, my father delivered the message, I sat there staring at the little coffin that held my son and my heart! Camerons headstone reads “Some people dream of an Angel, I’ve held one in my arms”. Losing a child is hard, it’s life changing and finding the strength and courage to move forward is challenging. Cameron I love you baby boy!
Cameron…
Happy 3rd Birthday baby boy! We love you and miss you so much…
Can we say….
SLACKER? I have been a horrible blogger here lately! Kellar is doing good, he’s such a mess though. He loves loves loves to test us, he’s constantly seeing just how much he can get away with. I suppose we are entering the “sick” season around here, he has a horrible cough and runny nose, maybe one day his immunity will catch up. Kellar had another pt eval a week or so ago, Kellar looks like such a big boy that our therapist was grading him on a 3 year old level, goodness don’t make my baby grow up any faster than he already is! I don’t know the results yet, I know there are some areas that we are behind in still, he’s still not able to jump, he doesn’t walk on a “straight” line but then again Kellar is at that age where it’s hard to keep him on task so she had a hard time really scoring him. I’m anxious to see where he stands in speech, the kids vocabulary blows me away some days, 2 word sentences come easy to him now so it’s time to start working on putting together 3 words now! He’s so bossy, not sure who he gets this from! He loves to take you by the finger ( he’ll walk up to you and say finger and reach for your hand ) and walk you all around the house, normally he’s walking you to do something he wants you to do such as sit down or eat. I think we are going to start trying to potty train him before long, honestly it’s not something I am going to stress over I am a firm believer that when he’s ready he’ll do it but he’s been showing me some signs that we may need to at least try! He still loves to color and draw and now tells you what he wants you to draw. So that’s about all that’s been going on around here, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn’t come down with the vomiting virus that’s been going around, I had it on Friday and was dry heaving so hard it felt like somebody walked up and karate chopped me in my neck, needless to say that afternoon I had to go to the chiropractor. I am still having neck issues….only me!
Just Kellar…
Wow it’s been a while since we ( Joey ) has added pics to the blog! How could we go so long without posting pics of our little darling..
When he gets a little older he’ll understand that rain boots really aren’t necessary in Texas..
Mommy said she craved watermelon with me, what’s wrong with her I’m not liking it at all…
You know it was some serious playing to get this sweaty and dirty..
NOOOOO mom the guys can’t see me in a pink floatie….
Looking cute for his first day of aquatic therapy and yes we left the pink floatie at home..
On the mend…
If any of you are so miserable w/your sinuses that you are seriously considering having sinus surgery, let me warn you ahead of time! I am going on 1 wk post surgery and I feel horrible, well horrible may not even be the correct word to use at this moment. My nose is one constant drip but yet it is so clogged up I am unable to pass any air through it, I have panicked more than once in the last week because while trying to swallow something I suddenly feel like I am suffocating, there is just something very unsettling about feeling like you can’t breathe! I had a deviated septum repaired, something else I’m that I’m not even sure what it’s called, my maxillary sinuses cleaned out and a retained tube taken out of my rt ear and a new tube put in, yes I had a overhaul done. Just in the last day or so I have regained the ability to move my top lip enough to get a bite of food in there, you would think I’d have lost a few pounds by now but let’s not go there please. I am so curious to see what’s going on in my nose, but it is so sore I am unable to manage to hold a flashlight, a mirror and gently enough open my nose to take a look. Kellar punched me in the nose last night and I cried like a baby, wow it was quite painful. Kellar spent Sunday with his Grammpy and Papaw while we moved Joey to the academy, well actually mom and Joey did the moving I was to busy hovering my face in a plastic bag and had zero energy to do anything. Kellar has the biggest knot on his forehead I have ever seen, he was playing with grammpy and papaw and ran towards his t.v. and fell face first into the end table, I wasn’t here but I heard it scared his grandparents pretty bad. He is just so busy he doesn’t slow down to do anything, he’s always on the go and to him the faster the better, maybe one day he’ll slow down? He goes around counting to 6 now, it’s pretty hilarious.