Time to get the bibs back out…
Kellar has started spitting up again here lately, not sure what has brought this on once again but I’m not liking it at all…I love love loved the fact that I could feed him and not have to change his clothes within a second of that last swallow of food or swig of milk..I at first thought it was just something that he ate that didn’t settle well on his tummy, but since we are going on a couple of weeks of it here and there I think it’s more that his reflux is sneaking back up on him…He has been on prilosec which in my opinion wasn’t doing anything for his reflux, maybe I’m expecting to much from it and it was doing what it was supposed to so today he was put on prevacid..Guess we’ll see how it goes…Happy Birthday MeMe!!!!
3 sticks and you’re one mad Bear…
I think the worst part about being a mom that doesn’t work, is the not so joyous task of being the one that has to take your little one to the dr… I mean the check-ups aren’t that big of a deal, but the shots, why, why, why do I feel so awful when I walk into that room and know that one minute my baby is happy and hollering “hey” to every one that passes by because he thinks it’s hilarious and the next he is jumping around on my leg with the biggest tears streaming down his face I have ever seen, they were even pooled up under his glasses and all over the lenses, he shed some serious tears today…Heartbreaking…Just plain heartbreaking…I am getting sick to my stomach thinking about it…Yes it’s over in a matter of minutes and while I can’t say that he’s forgotten all about it, after all when we walked into the room and I sat him on the table he started to whimper and whine, when the nurse walked in he climbed me like I was some sort of tree branch and I had to pry him off of me to undress him, and then theres the fun of waiting for the nurse to come in and get this over with,well not nurse but nurses since he got 3 shots today…Since he is now a big boy Kellar gets two synagis shots and he also got his flu shot today…I feel so awful like he thinks I am letting these people hurt him, after all I am the one having to hold him while they jab something into his legs, did I mention how stinking heartbreaking this is???? As a treat we went to eat at Johhny Carinos then we went to the toy store where I found the most cute Elmo table and chairs set, to bad we had to put it up because somebody has figured out how to stand up on the table…. Kellar weighed in at 24 lbs 13 oz, compared to 23 lbs 10 oz a month ago..
I know how the turkey feels now…
Being so stuffed you feel like you are on the verge of popping, notta good feeling especially when you are wrestling a 18 month old, putting him on the floor, off of the arms of the couch, jumping to catch him to make sure he doesn’t hit his head on the coffee table, cleaning spit up..and more spit up…and yes you guessed it more spit up…Where has this come from, he had gotten so much better and now these last few weeks we are seeing the ugly vomit monster…I think Kellar had way to many mashed potatoes, or maybe it was the chocolate pie, or maybe it was the dressing, turkey, beans, broccoli casserole or the dozen rolls he had to munch on, who knows but from the smell of it I’d dare say it was the mashed potatoes…We left my aunts house and went to Joeys uncle Dells house, we were way to stuffed to even enter the kitchen, I think the sight of a turkey leg would have made the ugly vomit monster come out in me…Kellar and his cousin Sydney really enjoyed each others company, it was actually kind of funny to see how interested they were in each other, Kellar loves other kiddos though and he took right up to her…Seeing Kellar and Sydney together it was apparent that Kellar is not on par with other 18 month olds, his walking of course is not taking off like I had hoped it would, there was just little things that I noticed…Does it bother me, of course, the house was full of toddlers toddling around the place and Kellar was the only one crawling to get to where he wanted to go..It does hurt in a way, I want so badly for him to be able to run with the others, when Sydney would take off down the hall I so wished that Kellar was able to take off after her, you could tell that he wanted to but he just lacked the confidence to do it..I talked to our PT on Monday about him not just taking off walking, he’d much rather drop and crawl to get to where he wants to go, she wasn’t worried and said that he has all the skills needed to walk, she’s seen him take 8 or 9 steps to get to something he really wanted but right now he is just lacking the confidence and is still uncertain but he’ll do it one day and then theres no stopping him…We went and bought him a pair of Striderite shoes to see if this will maybe give him some more support around the ankles and maybe make him feel a bit more *steady* on his feet, at this point I’d try anything…Tomorrow we are having family pics made, Kellar has the prettiest red scuff mark down his forehead where he decided to take a dive off of our bed last night, talk about scaring the living daylights out of you, who needs a stress test when you have a child…Our Thanksgiving day has been wonderful though, I am so thankful for my family, for my wonderful and amazing son whom I fall more and more in love with every second, my husband ( yes Joey I love you too..) and for another year of true blessings…
And the Dr. says….
Kellars eyes look perfect…After thinking that I had made the worst decision of my life by having Kellars eyes operated on I have to say now that I am actually really pleased with the outcome…I do notice that in the mornings sometimes they look a little *off* but once he wakes up and gets to stirring around they look more like what I had hoped for…Kellar of course will still have to be in glasses, not that big of a deal because he looks so stinking cute in them…I went and ordered his glasses a few weeks ago, well 3 weeks ago to be exact and they hadn’t came in yet, so after leaving Kellars eye appt and hearing the dr say that he really needs to be in them I went to a place here in town and got him another pair, only to go home and there sat the ones that I ordered 3 weeks ago…The $20 ones we’ll use for around the house, the $300 gold plated ones w/diamond studding around the ear pieces that tint when he gets in the sun ( well they are supposed to tint but I think they forgot to do it and no they aren’t gold plated w/diamonds but I feel they should be ) we’ll save for when we are outside of the house…Kellar also went to see his pedi because he has developed a cough, no preemie parent likes to hear their little one coughing, especially one who just got their child out of the hospital last month…We were told that it is just from all the drainage, guess we’ll wait and see how he is next week, after all last time we were told he only had a “cough possible pneumonia” and there was no rsv cases around here yet only to be admitted with pneumonia and rsv 5 days later…Still not walking everywhere yet, he has the 8 steps from the couch to his toys down pat, but any farther than that and he’s all about crawling…I’m not sure if any one that reads here keeps up with Baby Ethan (ethanpowell.com) but I check his blog pretty regularly and he is in need of prayer, so if you would please keep him in your thoughts and prayers…
I guess I see things differently….
Since becoming the mom of a preemie I have found that at times other preemie moms have a different outlook on what it is like raising a preemie…I will be the first to admit that it’s not easy at times, the NICU is one of the scariest places I have ever been, and since leaving there I have found that at times I am still on the rollercoaster, yes of course I have more up days than down, but some days are still hard….I don’t see Kellars life as anything other than a true blessing..I love my child, my preemie, my 26 wkr whatever you want to call him in the end he is my child, the love of my life and I wouldn’t trade him for anything…There are several debates on when to resuscitate, and how some preemie moms want to sugar coat prematurity and *hide* all the negative just to make ourselves feel better for our choice of continuing care..I for one would not have chosen any different than what I did, he was my child from the day that I gave birth at 26 wks, and my prayer was that I would bring him home with me no matter how challenging life may have turned out to be…You see what some fail to realize is that Kellar is here for a reason…When we were told of Kellars bleeds, I was afraid, I was so worried about his future, would he be as bad off as the dr’s warned us about..Would he be deaf? Mentally challenged? Would he have CP? Would he wear coke bottle glasses? Would he even see at all? When I call his name will he hear me? Yes I was scared, but the love that I already felt for my child was greater than that fear, I would love him and give him the best that I could no matter what..We were basically told on day 2 that we needed to take lunch and decide whether we wanted to continue care on Kellar, for Joey and I there was no need to discuss anything, if god wanted Kellar to come home with us he would, I loved him and nothing negative they told me was going to change the way I felt about my child… I can’t help but think of the other parents who may have been faced with a similar situation and decided to discontinue care..What if I had made that decision? Kellar in my eyes is perfect and I was willing to face whatever came our way…I don’t look at Kellars prematurity as a “black cloud” that will forever hang over his head, yes he will always have scars from all the numerous surgeries, he wears glasses, he’s 18 months old and just now taking steps, he may not be doing all the things that other 18 month olds are doing, but you know what, it’s okay, it’s going to be okay and we will deal with whatever and keep the faith that god has brought Kellar this far and he won’t turn his back on him now..I at times get down, I look at other 18 month olds and I see them doing things that Kellar isn’t, but I can’t allow myself to forget how far he has come, what all he has accomplished..Some preemie parents hate hearing the “they’ll catch up by age 2″ saying, but I am choosing to believe that Kellar will be where he needs to be when god wants him there..( Not saying that I won’t still have my occasional break downs when someone points out what he’s not doing, but I am trying to let loose of all my worries..).There’s a blog that I enjoy reading, I find a lot of times a post will end up with several comments, the majority of the time it ends up being a back and forth debate about how new preemie moms are blind to the realities of preemie life, we think that because our child has met a milestone we have escaped all, and how parents need to be told the truth about prematurity and such and it goes on and on…(These are not her comments but merely made by others who view her blog ).. I knew from day 1 yet it didn’t matter to me, all the what if’s were merely so whats it’ll be okay in my book….Some feel that they made the right choice by continuing care and there is a few that I sense so much negativity in their responses and their harshness towards those of us who chose to take that chance, to step out there blindly and choose to fight for them just as hard as they were fighting to live….They seem so against anyone who thinks of their child as a miracle, or they think that those of us that rejoice with every little thing that our child does is sugar coating the life of a preemie, that we are not telling it like it is..Their reality may be different than ours, they may see their life in black and white but I choose not to, I refuse to think of Kellar as anything but a blessing, a true miracle…I don’t have my head in the sand, I am not ignorant to the possible outcomes of having a premature child, I did research when I found out I was expecting again after losing my first son Cameron..Each week that I passed starting with week 24 I researched, I read up on the survivability rates, the outcomes..I searched high and low for stories, I knew the day that I delivered Kellar at 26 wks that Joey and I may have ended up with a preemie who would fall into the “statistics” of a typical 26 wkr, but then again I knew that it didn’t matter…I have read forums where moms are angry, they didn’t chose to have a premature child, they didnt’ ask for this and on and on..Well I didn’t ask to lose my son Cameron at 20 wks, I didn’t ask to have Kellar at 26 wks, him to spend 117 days in the nicu, have brain bleeds, cerebellum bleeds, surgical nec, numerous infections, I didn’t ask for any of that, but instead of spending every day being angry I choose to spend my days loving my child, seeing to it that he is happy, that I am doing all I can do as a parent to see that Kellar will one day do anything he puts his mind to…I know that there are certain situations where a parent has no choice and comfort care is their only option, their little one has fought all they can and the situation is past the point of a turn around, I feel for these parents b/c I know this is a decision that will forever be with them..When I had Cameron there was nothing they could do, there were no heroic measures taken he didn’t have a fighting chance being born so early, that day is one that will I will never be able to forget, I know how hard it was for me even though I went into it knowing that his survival chance was impossible, so to think of a mother who has a child that was of a survivable gestation having to make the decision to discontinue care is heartbreaking, and one that I am sure they didn’t take lightly at all…Kellars outcome so far is probably not what some would call typical of a 26 wkr w/the severity of his bleeds..I am told time and time again by our therapist and some of Kellars dr’s that they don’t see this type of outcome often, for this I am thankful…I see things so differently now..Kellar has changed my life in more ways than one..I have learned that it’s the little things in life that some overlook that bring so much joy to me..Kellar rolling over, lifting his head, prop sitting, sitting not propped, finally catching himself when he fell over, crawling, pulling up, cruising around furniture and now finally taking his first steps, these are all things that we were told he may never do, but he did them, maybe not when the charts said he should but who cares..I have met several moms on here that have children with cp, I can not imagine what life is like for them, I can’t pretend to understand how it must feel to have a child that may never sit unassisted, who may never walk on their own, but I do know that they love their children with all that they have, they play games, their little ones laugh, they smile, they love life but more importantly they know that they are loved no matter what and I truly admire them for all that they are doing in their childrens lives..I look at Kellar and I am thankful, things could have turned out differently but thankfully so far they haven’t..Yes I know Kellar is still young, but here is where I am holding onto that little bit of hope and faith that Kellar will be alright, so far he has proved that he will do what he wants to do when he wants to do it..I can’t tell you how excited I was when he took his first steps and for now it’s still one day at a time, I will continue to work with him, go to therapy and just pray he won’t fall into the *statistics* group, but if he one day does, I’ll never for one second regret any of my decisions that I have made…Am I setting up another preemie mom for false hope when I say how much Kellar has accomplished, or when I say that dr’s don’t always know everything am I giving one false sense of what it’s really like to raise a preemie? I don’t see it that way, I see it as giving them a little bit of hope, a glimpse into “our” life, sometimes hope and faith is all you have to hang onto and when you are thrown into the whirlwind of preemie life negativity is thrown at you in all directions..Maybe some knowing what they know now would have chose a different path..Sure I would have loved to have went to term, had a fat healthy little boy that I brought home w/me the next day, if I could change anything would I? It’s a tough question…I wouldn’t trade what I have for anything, I would have liked for him to not have been through so much in the NICU sure, but I wouldn’t change Kellar or anything thing about him or the way he is for anything in the world..He is my little man, my miracle and my reason for living and he has taught me so much in the last 18 months…If you see your child as anything other than this, that is your choice, but my son deserves to be loved and he deserved a chance at life just as much as the full termer born down the hall and he will never be treated any differently and no one will ever make me 2nd guess my decision on taking whatever measures necessary to bring him home..He brings a smile to everyone who meets him, he is the center of attention everywhere he goes, he’s happy and he could care less whether he’s meeting milestones or watching elmo and when he crawls up to me and gets up on the couch and lays his head on my shoulder,sits in my lap and giggles at every silly face I make, when he snuggles up next to me at night I know that he loves me just as I love him, and the love you feel for your child is painful at times, I love him so much it hurts and I know without a doubt that I made the right decision..He is Kellar Reid, my preemie, my 26 wk preemie prince, whatever you want to call him he is my life and it’s a life I wouldn’t trade for anything…