I closed my eyes…
Tonight I was looking back through Kellars pictures that we have posted here on the blog over in the gallery section, and it has hit me like a ton of bricks, my baby is not that little baby anymore…Where did the time go? How did I not see this coming, I know that babys are not little forever, and yes I still have alot of baby left in Kellar, but what happened to that 1 lb 12 oz micro-preemie, what happened to the little infant that wore preemie pampers and it fell off him? I find myself going back and looking at Kellars pictures often here lately, sadly I miss him being so small, not the small that we dealt with in the NICU, but just being that little tiny newborn that I could lay on the couch with for hours and have him sleeping on my chest, that little newborn that still didn’t have control of his head and would look up at you with that unfocused look on his face..That toothless grin..Gosh I miss that!!! I look at how fast Kellar has grown, how much he has changed, how he has learned so much yet I realize that there is still so much more for him to learn, and I still can’t help but feel heartbroken because he’s growing up, there is no stopping the hands of time..Today while out in town, I glanced in the back seat and pictured the night that we got Bears big boy car seat out and sat him in it, I visualized what he looked like then to what he looks like now, he is such a big boy, the light of my life…Kellar is at that age where he wants to be down, he wants to crawl, he wants to pull to stand, I am still at that clingy mommy stage and I want to hold him, I want to hold him like that little newborn baby that he at one time was and when he squirms and wants down, it hits me that he’s not that little newborn anymore, when Kellar is tired or not feeling well he wants his mommy and daddy and I try and take advantage of that snuggle time..I have always adamantly said that I will not have my child sleep in the bed with us, but I will be honest with you, when Joey leaves in the morning I am guilty of putting Kellar in our bed, I just want to hold him so bad, I lay there and watch him sleep, and again seeing how big he looks laying there, am reminded that he is growing up..I purchased a new stroller yesterday, the one we had was a stroller/car seat combo and we are going to sell it as a set, selling this also brings about another hard reality, the reality that Kellar will more than likely be mine and Joeys only child.. I guess I am heartbroken because I know this is it for me, since losing Cameron and Kellar coming so early, I am fairly sure that this is it… Am I okay with that, I think I am, Kellar is my world and I thank God everyday for my blessing, for giving me the chance to be a mother, whether I have 5 kids or I have 1, I am a mother, I have a beautiful son and we have our angel Cameron…Kellar is still my baby, and in my eyes he will always be mommas baby boy, no matter how big he gets or how hard he fights me when I want to cradle him and love on him, I sit here in tears because Kellar is growing and getting so big, one day he was this micro-preemie, I closed my eyes and the next day he’s mommas lil man…
New pics…finally
Well I have been slacking pretty bad in the pics department here lately. Not that there hasn’t been any pictures to do…I just haven’t been doing them. So Chrys finally convinced me to get the pics off the camera, and there were like 700 or so. That’s a lot of pictures in a months time or so…and a lot to go through and sort out. I intend to get better about keeping them up to date…more like we used to. So anyway, enjoy the two new galleries!
Not a happy camper….
Or patient, or lil man, or bear, or Kellar Bellar Bear, whatever you choose to call him doesn’t change the fact that my lil man was oh so unhappy yesterday at his “band” adjustment/remolding. Yes that’s correct, Kellar had to be re-molded yesterday for a new band, most are thinking “awww poor baby, a 3rd band”, while technically yes this would be the 3rd band, this one is to replace the 2nd one which I have been unhappy with the appearance of since day 1…Am I a little aggrivated? Yes. Am I relieved that he is no longer wearing the one I have been so unsure of for the past 1 1/2 months? Yes. The band looked “backwards” to me, it was totally different than his 1st band, yes I know that being he is growing, his head shape has changed, but this one looked like it was “holding” on the wrong spot, the tech explained that the “high spot” on the band was not actually to hold it was more there to keep the band from moving all around, which by the way it failed miserably for all of you who see Kellar either around here or out in public you at times see that it’s down so far on his forehead that he looks like he’s mad at the world, which anyone who know’s Kellar know’s he is one of the happiest babies around, it also at times would be crooked on his face, have his ear folded over, it just didn’t fit correctly. Sorry I got sidetracked, so when the tech asked how it was going, I said, “it’s not”, the last couple of visits she knew how I felt, but this time she decided to try and make me a happier mommy. They took more photos of Kellar, sent them to the band company and said that she’d really push for them to re-make him a band, maybe with it a little higher on the side that doesn’t need to do anything. River and I go to Babies R’ Us and look for Bear a new stroller, I spent over an hour looking, pushing, putting Kellar in and out of, folding, unfolding. Whatta workout I got. After spending an hour looking, I decided to go with what I already have, the Graco Quatro Tour, I love the one I have, I can open and fold it blindfolded, Kellar is used to it, it rides great so why change things up,( the one I have now is a set and I want to sell it that way ) the only thing he’ll have to get used to is the color, which by the way is really pretty. We get the phone call to head back to Cranial Tech and they are going to re-mold but the company was really leaning toward Kellars “head tilt”, yes he does at times tilt his head to the left, but he was not diagnosed with torticollis, he can turn his head the opposite way with no resistance, but none the less they are saying that they feel it has to do with the tilt. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t, all I know is that before the 2nd band, I didn’t notice a “high spot” on the side of his head, it actually appeared at one time to be getting better, people would ask how I felt about what the band was doing and I actually said I felt it helped, till we got this 2nd one, I just don’t see the change I was expecting or was told to expect either. As most who have been with this blog for a while know, the 1st band fitting was not a pretty sight, Kellar was pretty unhappy, the 2nd one was really a breeze, oh good gracious this 3 rd one, wow..I knew Kellar was strong, I knew Kellar doesn’t appear to have those micro-preemie lungs anymore, ha now I know Kellar doesn’t have micropreemie lungs anymore. I just thought I gotta workout at Babies R’ Us, holding this kid down was like trying to tame a wild cat. This time we had 2 men, me and River. It was awful, I have never heard him cry like this, well scream like this actually. I was almost in tears, having to try and restrain him was heartbreaking. But after all the wrestling and tears, hopefully this one will correct his head….
SLEEP..put your dukes up I’m ready…
I knew from day one that Kellar was a fighter, one tough lil cookie might I add, he fought soooo hard to be here, and had this determination like no one I had ever met. He fought the surgical nec, the brain bleeds, the cerebellum bleeds, fought to leave behind that micro-preemie status that he acquired from being born at 26 wks gestation, and now he feels the need to try and take on sleep, yes my lil man is now fighting…..SLEEP…Why? I ask again, WHY? He used to sleep so good, all it took was just laying him down, making sure his little tummy was filled, his hiney was dry, a binky was in his mouth and 3 or 4 were close by and then within a few minutes he was off to dream of little puppys playing, chasing bunny rabbits, you get the picture right? Now, ha just lay him down only to watch him jump right back up and squeal and laugh, yea that’s right my lil bear is laughing at us for thinking that we could just lay HIM down and him give in and actually go right to sleep, ha yea right…So the last few weeks have consisted of him laying in Joeys lap, taking a bottle, then a suck or two off the binky, then the bottle, binky, bottle, binky, swabbing the gums with a orajel teething swab, then a bottle, now teething tablets, and it goes on and on..Then the crankiness comes, the flipping, flopping, rubbing his eys, and flips some more, this goes on and on for hours it seems…Sometimes Joey wins, Kellar goes out and he’s out for the night, other times Joey tags me and I am now challenging Kellardini, bless his heart he is soooo tired, but yet soooo determined to stay awake..He is so tired that if he lays his head down for a split second, his eyes are shut before his head even gets down, he’ll lay there for a second, then he’s back up and squirming, crawling, flipping and this goes on and on..Once he finally does go down, he’ll sleep all night, but it’s the getting him down that’s gotten so hard…I am clueless as to what’s going on…If it’s the teeth, how can I get those things to go ahead and pop on through???
The results are in…
I am more than happy to report that on Friday we received a call from Kellars pedi and were informed that Kellars EEG came back normal…Whatta relief…Kellar has been running a temp since Thursday evening, it is a rather low temp but it’s hard to see him feeling so pitiful, bless his heart he’s still smiling though..He amazes me how even though you know how crummy he must feel, he still manages to bring a smile to the faces of others, whatta sweetheart he is…We did end up taking Kellar to the ER early Friday morning, it wasn’t b/c of his fever, but I noticed that he would seemed to be “startled” awake while trying to drift off to sleep, the first few times I wasn’t that alarmed, well alarmed enough that I watched him for 35 minutes even though I was so tired I could barely hold my head up, but when he continued to do this I panicked and grabbed him up, Joey was already up googling high temps and stuff on the net, but I didn’t care what it said we were going to the ER..They looked him over, checked his temp and it was 100.9 when we got there, I know that’s not a serious temp, but still it’s a temp and it made my lil man feel awful..His ears, throat and chest x-ray looked good so we left there w/the diagnosis of, well really I don’t know they mentioned maybe upper respiratory infection, and as far as the “startling” awake, he said that he thinks Kellar was just so tired, and feeling so bad that he wasn’t able to really drift off to sleep fully and this in turn made him extremely tired but he didn’t feel it was seizure related, I guess since our OT made mention of seizures, I am super duper paranoid…Kellar is still running a temp so he didn’t get to go to town w/me and meme today and looks like we’ll be missing church tomorrow…
